first day...

not one cigarette today. here's where it gets hard. bryan is at work late and jaron is asleep, so it's just me, and it's really hard. i think the boredom gets to me. so, i've decided to make curtains for my front bedroom. i was going to buy them, but i think making them will keep me busy for a while!! how hard can curtains be?? we'll see. i need some more projects... i've already knitted like 5 scarfs.. so, now what? and i finally did what i thought as a mommy was the right thing to do.. i feed jaron what he wanted! i know the doctor said not to give him his favorites until he had tried new foods.. but, this was day 3 and he had really only had a few bites of a hamburger yesterday and that's about it.. i know the doctor said he would eat when he was hungry, but i know he's hungry and he's not eating anything new and i just can't stand to watch him starve. tonight when he said "eat", that was it. i said , "do you want your peanut butter toast?" and he was sooo happy, and he ate every bite. besides, it's good for him anyway. so, screw the doctor.. i'm not ready for this.

picky eater

jaron had his 2 year check-up yesterday. his dr. is concerned about his eating habits. he is extremely picky. he'll only eat peanut butter toast, crackers, yogurt, oatmeal, and french fries. he only eats a few veggies (sweet potatoes and squash) but they have to be baby food. which i know is weird.. he's not a baby, but my thinking is that if that's the only way he'll eat his veggies then so be it. but, his dr. says no more baby food! i'm just supposed to set things out (which i've done a million times) and he'll eat when he's hungry. i've tried giving him bananas, all kinds of fruit, pizza, waffles, pancakes, mac n cheese, ice cream.. you name it, i've tried it. he won't even taste it.. he just cries and gags. sooo, what should i do?? it's so frustrating. if only he would eat. i just can't starve him until he decides to eat.. won't that damage him mentally? or maybe just me!ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bluebonnets and bluebell ice cream!

we just got back from eric and paul's wedding in brenham! i guess technically it's not a "wedding", but a lifetime commitment ceremony. i wish for them and others that one day soon, they will have every right to get married as we do. anyway, the wedding was so nice, and very fancy. ( got to love the gay men and their sense of style!!) the dinner was one of the best i've had and of course they had cupcakes with blue bell ice cream for dessert! 2 of my best friends from l.a. were there too, so, that made it even more special!! and i was sooo good with my not smoking.. i think i had 2 and 1/2 cigarettes that night(including all day).. and with a full bar, you know that took willpower! : )

weirdos

you never know what might attract weirdos.. (had to get rid of last post).. so, it's day #4 of just 2 cigarettes a day. (not quite quitting.. but who asked you) : ) (still a little bitchy) the worst is all this coughing.. i wonder if it's normal.. i need to ask webmd. we have a wedding this weekend in brenham (near houston) and i can't wait. this should be the real test.. drinks.. and no smoking?? we'll see. : ), no, i won't smoke. i'm not going through this again!

this still sucks!

ok, i really don't know how people do this without cheating a little. i am still a little shaky. i am coughing all the time. i'm very dizzy. basically i feel sick. i am still sticking to the 2 a day for 10 days. i don't know what i was thinking.. quit cold turkey???? so, the 2 a day is drastically cutting down. but, it's better than nothing.. (wait, that's not right.. but you know what i mean! : ) ) so, i wish i had never started in the first place. oh well.. this is only day #3. warning: this blog may start to not make any sense.. and may also become boring or violent. blah, blah, blah..

this sucks!

i had two cigarettes yesterday and have had 1 1/2 today, and i feel like i'm seriously loosing it. this is sooo much harder than i thought it would be.. and i knew it would be hard.. it's the physical withdrawal that's killing me.. so, i have decided that for now, a couple of cigarettes a day will have to do.. then in 10 days.. if it's not better.. i'll go get the damn patch. yes, i'm feeling a little bitchy, and sooo shaky, cloudyheaded.. you name it.. i feel it. ugh..

last cigarette

my husband and i have decided to quit smoking. we started today! i've been up for about 3 hours and i really, really, want one. but, i'm trying to stay busy. (time is just tick tick ticking)i may have to blog about it a lot, (typing keeps my hands busy). i love smoking, but i don't ever want jaron to smoke. (we don't smoke in the house by the way) and he's getting older and will eventually ask, what are you doing?? so, by stopping now, i won't have to answer that question. i was thinking about it and i have been smoking longer than i haven't been smoking.. i.e. i'm 33, and i've been smoking for 17 years. so, i was smoke free for 16 years. i can't believe that i've been smoking for that long.. i've tried to quit a couple times before. (Obviously when i was pregnant, i didn't smoke. ) another time, i think i quit for a month. i hope i'll be successful this time! i really have no choice. i have to do it. everything is getting blurry. (is that part of the withdrawal??) and i don't want to replace cigarettes with food, so i'm going on a diet as well.. wow, i'm really punishing myself. : ) 3 hours and 3 minutes so far today. (oh yeah, plus the 7 hours of sleep), so, i'm 10 hours and 3 minutes crazier.

ok..and now for something completely different...

i feel so much better about things... the not going to hell part!! : ) thanks!!
my baby will be 2 on saturday!! i can't believe it. everyone always says that they grow up so fast and it's sooo true. it's weird. he's such a big person now! he can count to 13! he knows all his colors (his favorite being this color) (probably because it's the color of his Barney) (whom i can't stand.. but, he likes it, so that's what we watch, ugh!!!) and he knows a few letters of the alphabet.. the one he always carries around is the letter B. (i have those stick-on-the-fridge- ones) the other day he spelled the word vamp. i was so excited. my friend t. has the word vamp tattooed on her ankle so i took a picture of it and sent it to her. if i can find it, i'll post it here as well. let's hope the terrible twos aren't so terrible!

ok, i just had a very disturbing conversation with someone very close to me. we were discussing religion, baptism, etc. i have never been baptized (spell check that) and i haven't been to church in about 10 years or so. i believe in God, i also believe that God is a very loving person. i also believe that going to church doesn't make you a good person. i am a strong believer in living your life as a kind, compassionate, understanding human being.
i have a lot of gay friends, and i believe that God created them just as they are. so, i do have a problem with organized religion, which is why i do not go to church. back to the conversation, i was told that if i don't get baptized, i will go to hell. i have never thought that. in fact, i have always thought, that i'll be in heaven, because i'm a kind person and believe in God. i treat everyone the same. i don't like stereotypes. unless your a horrible person, i will like you. even then, i try to see the best in everyone and everything. life is such an amazing thing. i cherish every moment. it really upset me that this person thinks i'm going to hell. i have several religious friends who read this.. what is your take on this?

look it's me i was trying to put this pic as my profile pic. and i just can't seem to figure this out.. does anyone know how to do it?? ugh.. frustrating.
yes, i've tried blogger help.. and yes, i still don't understand. : (